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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28885323">can i wear your heart?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoelistic/pseuds/hoelistic'>hoelistic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Couch Cuddles, Diaspora, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Referenced Drinking, Relationship Study, Sharing Clothes, hoodies as a sign of love, idolverse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:23:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,798</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28885323</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoelistic/pseuds/hoelistic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It had become normalized in Mark’s mind that he needed a grand declaration of love, with gloomy grey clouds imploding with equally depressing rain, drenching him whole so that he could finally burst open the door and yell out to the world that he’s fallen in love with someone.</p><p>Or: Mark comes to the slow realization he likes Donghyuck after they both wear each other's hoodies one lazy morning.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>394</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Markhyuck Week 2021</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>can i wear your heart?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>so i watched epik high's based on a true story and wrote this in one sitting—somehow i thought sharing hoodies was romantic and i kept thinking about by experience growing up in a diaspora, so there will be mentions of this in this fic.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Realizing that you’ve fallen in love isn’t something that happens all of the sudden—unlike every grand gesture Mark’s seen on television growing up in Canada, whether it be the kdramas his grandmother used to play in the background while cooking ginseng chicken soup or the romcoms he would be dragged into watching with his mom on weekends.</p><p>It had become normalized in Mark’s mind that he needed a grand declaration of love, with gloomy grey clouds imploding with equally depressing rain, drenching him whole so that he could finally burst open the door and yell out to the world that he’s fallen in love with someone.</p><p>People used to tell Mark he needed to get better about expressing himself, always tongue-tied whenever he had to publicly talk about his feelings; that speaking in a mixture of Korean and English would one day come to bite him.</p><p>But what Mark’s told is the complete opposite reaction when he auditions for SM entertainment on the borderline of puberty. Mark still had bright green elastics on and on a bad Tuesday he has a breakout of small pimples on his left cheek, but someone believed that a small boy from Vancouver, Canada could become a great star.</p><p>Mark’s told that it’s his tender heart and honesty that lands him a trainee contract once he arrives in Korea — that not everyone wears their heart on their sleeve the moment they met someone for the first time. Stumbling in his self-introduction and thanking his family for helping him audition is what made Mark stand out amongst a sea of other international trainees that in his own eyes, were much more talented than he would ever be.</p><p><br/>
Mark’s always believed himself to be awkward, only deflecting with mannerisms that could hide his heavy accent—never finding this transformative process particularly endearing.</p><p>Everything about himself, Mark perceives as not good enough to become an idol. That getting accepted into SM Entertainment was a fluke and that one day, he would be discovered. An imposter amongst a sea of talented boys and girls that were more than deserving to become bright stars that he ever would be.</p><p>And it seems like Lee Donghyuck was able to figure out that Mark was an imposter the first day he walked into SM Entertainment at the age of 13.</p><p><br/>
He’s loud and points out that the stoicism Mark presented himself with is a façade by asking, “Why are you so scared of introducing yourself? I want to hear you speak.”</p><p>Mark being mild-mannered and raised to be kind, does end up responding with a small hello. Compared to the quiet introduction Mark gave, Donghyuck’s is brash and grating, yet there’s a hint of honeyed sweetness Mark can’t find himself to completely detest. There’s a gentle wildness that comes over, a whirlwind that never intends to be aggravating; a small menace that can be loved.</p><p>Donghyuck doesn’t force Mark to list everything about himself like other trainees did once they found out that he was from Vancouver—there weren’t many foreign trainees, especially not Korean Canadian ones.</p><p><br/>
They pick on what they share in common – the familiar – and bombard Mark with trivia about Korea, trying to find out how much Mark knew. Disappointed with his answers, Mark was easily dismissed, and all he could feel was red flare-up in both of his cheeks and tears flowing when he returned to his dorm. </p><p>He was proud of his Korean heritage, never once second-guessing his fluency in the language he would always speak to his parents to whenever he came back from school. But coming here made Mark realize that what he had held on to as something special about himself, is also something that could never compare to the memories his mother was able to hold onto even after moving away from Korea so many times, even coming back and fitting in so perfectly as if she never left.</p><p>Even now, living so many years here and being stemmed off from the same root, Mark can never ease away from the idea that he will always be treated as someone foreign. </p><p>Living in Canada, Mark had told himself he’s treated differently because he’s Korean. After all, the packed lunches he takes with him weren’t as appealing as the plain Lunchables his classmates brought with them. But in Korea, he’s treated differently because he’s Canadian and because he’s grown up without wearing school uniforms and not dedicating everything to his after-school activities as they did.</p><p><br/>
Canada boy is the name that replaces his own and one that is given to him by Lee Donghyuck of all people. Mark doesn’t hate his hometown, each bone in his body yearns to feel the familiarity of knowing everyone around him, not waving goodbye to people who gave up on their shared dream, giving their bittersweet memories to him.</p><p><br/>
But Mark doesn’t want to be a stranger here either, a place he’s decided is his best bet to make every dream of his become true. The 12-year-old that made it into SM, growing up listening to every boy group they’ve ever debuted and been his only source of representation of music, doesn’t want him to leave. That boy tells Mark he has to stay no matter what comes his way.</p><p>He can’t win and he’s fighting against a losing battle against Donghyuck. The only win he wants is one Donghyuck refuses to give him. He wants to assimilate and fit in, but Donghyuck doesn’t let him.</p><p>And Mark is someone who’s still never learned how much he can take, every jab Donghyuck takes at him, pushing him further and further into a breakdown. He likens Donghyuck to a screwdriver, trying to drill him deeper and deeper into the ground, never realizing how forceful he is. </p><p><br/>
When Mark cries, Donghyuck cries too.</p><p><br/>
“It’s because I don’t want you to change,” he tells him, sobbing into Mark’s hoodie. “You’re already so special, the biggest star here. Why would you want to change what’s so wonderful about you? Why can’t you hold onto the place that made you amazing?”</p><p><br/>
What Donghyuck loved most about Mark are the stories he brought with him, which was why he always pointed out the older boy’s hometown. He didn’t know this made Mark feel like an outsider.</p><p>He’s no longer brash, and quietness overcomes Donghyuck until Mark assures him that what they need to do moving forward, is talk to each other about their boundaries, never pushing and pulling without giving something back.</p><p>Even now, whenever Mark cries when he’s stressed, Donghyuck almost always finds a way to sneak into his bed and cry with him.</p><p>“You fucking asshole,” Mark sobs out, trying to escape Donghyuck’s grasp, but it only edges Donghyuck even further, strengthening his hold on Mark’s waist. Mark gives in, Donghyuck’s body providing more warmth than the Daiso sheets. “You’re supposed to be making me feel better, not making me cry more.”</p><p>Donghyuck sticks out his tongue, tears still glistening.</p><p><br/>
It should be embarrassing, to be crying with your best friend in the middle of the night after receiving news that he would be in SUPERM with every person he’s grown-up idolizing. Instead of being ecstatic his managers and everyone believed he was someone worthy of standing next to people like Taemin and Baekhyun, Marks’s reduced to tears, overcome with feelings of homesickness and worry he’ll mess up.</p><p>“Dude, you should see yourself,” Donghyuck starts laughing, no bite slipping out in any of his words. Strangely, Donghyuck has found a way to soothe him, just like the first time he got drunk. Mark had drunk too many bottles of soju, the bitterness finding a way to become sweet and he had vomited all over the floor of their bathroom. </p><p>Donghyuck, always all-knowing and always knowing when Mark would embarrass himself, had found him and took off Mark’s shirt so he wouldn’t reek of his vomit anymore. Mark doesn’t remember much, except for Donghyuck’s gaze softening when he started blabbering about his life in Canada again, growing up being one of the Asian boys in his class and Donghyuck giving Mark his hoodie. </p><p>It was an oversized forest green hoodie Donghyuck bought in an overpriced gift shop in LA while they were touring in the US. He wanted something more to remember his first time traveling to the Us other than the videos SM would post.</p><p>“I want something for myself and myself only,” Mark remembers Donghyuck saying as he lazily stuffed the green hoodie in his suitcase before any of their managers made him talk about it on a VLIVE they’ve been planning for that evening. </p><p>“Then why are you telling me?” Mark asks, eyes already sliding off his visage of Donghyuck’s hoodie in favor of the paper-view movie playing on the TV of their hotel room. “I mean, I thought you didn’t want anyone knowing about this hoodie?”</p><p>“It’s because,” Donghyuck quietly starts, but quickly swallowing the words he was about to share. He pauses and stares at Mark, before smiling softly. In his brown eyes resolution brightens. “It’s because you’re my best friend I want you to know.”<br/>
 </p><p> ━━━━━━━━━━━━<br/>
 </p><p>Mark ends up waking up to a familiar sight, Donghyuck resting on his shoulder, waiting for one of their managers to call them down so they could start filming their video calls with fans.</p><p>Donghyuck had decided he wanted to “stay over”, even though it was only a couple of floors difference between the both of them. There was a time where the only difference between them was a couple of feet, the blank space between their beds, but living together had proven too much for the both of them.</p><p>It hit too close to home seeing people online trying to define their relationship, making and editing videos that pointed out the rivers rushing and breaking that summer.</p><p><br/>
Mark’s not sure what caused his fingers to flare up whenever his skin touched Donghyuck’s skin, digging at the tips to irk the younger even more. </p><p>The tenderness Mark had felt for Donghyuck had morphed into a dreadful emotion where all he wanted was to carve out Donghyuck’s heart for a reason he still wasn’t sure why it felt important.</p><p>Watching those videos made Mark conflicted. He wasn’t sure if he should be misty-eyed or be angry about possibly losing his best friend. And he’s the first to give in. He remembers what Donghyuck tells him after almost breaking down when he wanted to go home.</p><p>“Go ahead and cry, there are days where all you will ever want is for it to end, waiting for tomorrow to be better. But don’t forget the friends you left behind the day before. They’re still going to want to be there for you, whether it be the day after and the day after that one. Just know you can lean on me whenever you need me.”</p><p>Mark’s always said the reason he wanted to go back home is that he couldn’t stand Donghyuck, always bickering with him and falling apart with each jab the younger boy takes. He can’t stop his emotions and his eyes can’t help but become misty.</p><p>While Donghyuck did make him want to go back home to Vancouver and his fingers seek out the familiar warmth of the ceramic bowl where his grandmother poured in his favorite soup, that’s not why Mark is crying out to be noticed.</p><p>The fact that he’s living the same banal plotline without becoming any closer to fitting in with the rest of the trainees, never fully understanding any of the jokes his hyungs make and nodding his head to present himself as someone who fits in, makes Mark cry. </p><p>Donghyuck is the boy on the screen he wants to become, the bright sunkissed boy that can make everyone feel loved just by smiling at them and asking them about their day. He even becomes closer to Taeyong than Mark ever has, with fewer days of their meeting. Before he knows it, dawn breaks, and his eyes are closed, Donghyuck latching onto him, trying to fill the small void full of Mark’s envy with love.</p><p>Loneliness and solitude that were never Donghyuck’s burden to carry become his, and to this day, he continues wearing them like all of the hoodies he’s stolen from Mark these past years. But he still does. Every day Donghyuck reassures Mark that he can lean on him, even when Donghyuck is mad and annoyed. That’s the promise Donghyuck makes and continues upholding.</p><p>“You never wear any of the hoodies you’ve bought,” Mark always mumbled whenever they ate breakfast together, Donghyuck simply pouring all his attention to the bowl of frosted flakes in front of him. “You always take mine.”</p><p>“That’s because yours are more comfortable,” Donghyuck always explained, and he never went into further detail on the matter. Even now, rooming with different people and years of debuting together, Donghyuck always manages to find a way to steal one of Mark’s hoodies.<br/>
 </p><p>Donghyuck is wearing an old grey one Mark was so close to throwing out had it not been for the former saying that was his favorite one because of how soft it made Mark look at night. So Mark keeps it, without any second questions.</p><p>Slowly, Donghyuck opens his eyes, the morning sunshine pouring in through the window blinds. </p><p>“Morning,” he mumbles, still drowsy and not yet ready for today’s filming. Despite being an energetic person on set and cracking jokes to fill the room with warmth, Donghyuck is always cold in the morning, fingers trickling down Mark’s skin so he could steal some of the latter’s body heat.<br/>
 <br/>
“Morning,” Mark repeats back, but instead of nodding along and removing his grasp on the former, Donghyuck stares.</p><p>His eyes aren’t full of anger or annoyance, Donghyuck looks rather pensive? Confused by something Mark isn’t aware of. He squints and plays with the hem of Mark’s hoodie until he lets out, “Isn’t this my hoodie you’re wearing?”</p><p>Donghyuck’s right. It’s the same dark green hoodie Donghyuck bought the first time they toured in the US. On Donghyuck it had been too big, hanging over his shoulder and sitting right above the middle area of his thighs. On Mark, even if he was only slightly taller, his shoulders were much broader, completely filling it out.</p><p>“Yeah, it is,” he admits, although he’s not yet sure why it’s so important to Donghyuck that he’s wearing the younger’s hoodie. He doesn’t think that it’s the first time he’s wearing one of Donghyuck’s clothes—like Donghyuck, he’s found comfort in wearing his best friend’s hoodies. </p><p>He likes the lazy spring scent that comes from the fabric softener Donghyuck uses; Donghyuck’s never changed it. It’s a constant he’s come to love.</p><p>“Does it bother you?”</p><p>“No!” Donghyuck stammers out, face becoming flushed pink and he pulls on his drawstrings to cover his embarrassment. “No-I mean it’s fine that you’re wearing my hoodie.”</p><p>“Then why is your heart beating like crazy then?” Mark begins asking, and then it hits him. Not like any of the romantic movies Donghyuck would watch on Netflix, where the two main characters would having a huge misunderstanding, fight, and would simultaneously confess their feelings to each other. </p><p>No, it’s not anything like that. They’ve already fought once before, and Mark had already promised that they would talk everything out before the fight became too heavy for their hearts to hold and burst.</p><p>It doesn’t feel weird either, even after all of these years of being friends to becoming friends, that Mark feels something light within his heart growing into love. It’s not a whirlwind puppy love either where Mark would instantly know that he’s fallen in love. </p><p>It’s a gradual change, his heart constantly churning butterflies whenever he’s in Donghyuck’s presence. That’s why Mark’s never noticed. </p><p>“I think I’m in love with you,” Mark babbles out.</p><p>“That’s how you’re going to confess to me?” Donghyuck giggles, already tugging at the hair on the base of Mark’s neck. He pulls Mark closer and closer until their noses make contact. Donghyuck’s eyes are still sleepy, but even red and glossy, they gleam smiles.</p><p>“Yeah,” Mark mumbles into Donghyuck’s mouth before stopping, “But I won’t kiss you until you say it back.”</p><p>Donghyuck giggles, fingers finding their way to Mark’s cheeks. </p><p>“I love you,” he finally mumbles, smiling.</p><p>“And I love you,” Mark says as his lips brush against Donghyuck’s.</p><p><br/>
There’s nothing spectacular about their first kiss. No fireworks. No dramatic rain in sight. There’s no Morgan Freeman narrating their love story either. But everything about falling in love with Lee Donghyuck, the boy who always stole his hoodies and loved every silly story about his childhood, makes Mark's heart feel content.<br/>
 </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Find me here:<br/><a href="https://twitter.com/_ourloveispink">twitter</a><br/><a href="https://curiouscat.qa/hoelistic98">cc</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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